Kel texted me this afternoon and said “Are you sure you want
to stay broke up?” so I texted him back and said, “No, I made a terrible
mistake. Can you forgive me?” So he says, “Yes. Can I come over tonight?” So I
said, “Yes, let me jump in the shower and text me when you get near.”
So he came. It was very sweet, like old friends
reconnecting. He stayed for several hours and we talked about lots of
things…but we said nothing at all about how I had texted him several months ago
and said, “I think we should break up. You want different things than I do.”
So he texted me back and said, “I can change.”
And I said, “No, I don’t want you to change just so we can
be together. It’s me that needs to change anyway.”
That was that. He was out of my life and that was probably
best anyway. Who cares about loneliness? It’s not that bad. I’m not ready for a
relationship. They scare the shit out of me.
Some days I want to just give up on life and not do life
again. It’s too painful! I can’t make it another day. But then something like
this happens and you start to think that there might be some reason to keep
living. So I’m trying to decide if there is or not.
For some reason that I don’t understand, Kelvin likes me.
And he’s a really good looking guy – a graduate of Texas A & M (Go Aggies!)
Good job. Dresses sharp. Drives an orange corvette. Why does he like me? I
don’t even like me, so how could he?
I can’t figure it out. I’ve tried, but 2 + 2 doesn’t equal 4
this time. There’s no good reason for that man to like or care about me and
want me in his life. So this leaves me quite mystified. Life can be so daunting
sometimes and it’s like that today. There’s no rhyme or reason. This is just
the way it is. So a little voice spoke to me out of the mist, or out of the
heavens, from behind that pink cloud. He said:
Figure it out on your own. Understand it in your own way. At
your own time. You’re entitled to personalize your recovery. Spend some time to
get it right. You’re worth the extra trouble. You don’t have to KNOW every
answer. Let some things go! Just say bye-bye and watch it float away.
So I closed my eyes again to pray and saw a white room. The
walls and windows were fashioned of those old 1X12 planks painted white. It was
my spiritual house. God lets me see it sometimes in a dream or vision. He
always has a different purpose for showing it to me. Once in a dream, the walls
weren’t sturdy and heavy rain was soaking them so much that they got soggy and
fell over. Water came in saturating everything.
I started looking around in my life to see where my house was
weak and flimsy and finally found the problem. So I fixed it and pretty soon my
spiritual house was strong and beautiful again. So the dreams and visions always
mean something and it’s important to find out their meanings and take action.
Kel is back but what does that mean? Why does he like me?
I feel like I should know a lot more about life and love than I do.
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